Wednesday, May 11th…
today we got our first situation which was the stork drop I mentioned in previous blog entry. literally 4 hours after I hung up with the agency, I got a text from our consultant Casey saying “check your email 😊” I had LITERALLY just closed my mail app so I quickly reopened it and there I see a title of a situation! our first “real” situation in 2_ days. my eyes began to fill with tears before I even finished reading the title. tears bc I was feeling so discouraged that we hadn’t heard a peep before this. I read every. single. word. very. carefully. before I opened the birth moms profile that was attached, I immediately just fwd email to Michael (not seeing Casey already sent it to him, duh Kira). I then go back and read her intro again carefully and took a DEEP long breath as I opened the attachments. the attachments were her profile and her background. I could picture this brave women writing each word down. I felt her check each check box appropriate to her feelings. my heart was throbbing & trying to jump out of my chest.
(if you know me, you know I tend to hold my breath a lot so I had to remind myself to breathe.)
after reading the profile fast then slow then fast again, Michael and I sent a quick text confirming we were both on the same page… ready to present! (I’ll remind you that Michael is in AZ right now as I’m in NM visiting family.)
book a trip they say. everything will fall into place when you book a trip.
I quickly respond to Casey, I’m sure with a bunch of typos and incorrect autocorrects, that we want to show “M” our family!
I begin to write a personal Dear “M” letter so it can be placed with our book for presentation. talk about writers block!!! I didn’t even know how to start off the letter! you can’t just say “hi, how are you?” what’s going to be the opening line for this courageous mom to see. we knew off the bat a lot of families would present, so i had to act fast but truly wanted to connect. how do I connect with her through paper? we submitted our short but sweet letter and a huge waive of relief, restored faith, increased heart rate and tears all came crashing over me. I wanted to tell the world where we stood but I also wanted to remember this moment forever. alone. by myself. I didn’t even go wake up my sister who was napping upstairs along with Beckett. trust me, I wanted to RUN up & jump on her bed! but instead, I laid staring at the ceiling until I caught my breath & heart rate settled.
I’ll never forget this day.
Friday, May 13th…
nothing we can do from here but wait. 1:00 pm rolls around & I get a text from Casey. instead of opening it, I close my eyes. heart is racing again. the first thing is see is a ❤️ with blurry words surrounding it. this symbol could mean a lot of things- good & sad things. I read:
… they reached capacity quick! You were one of the families they chose to present ❤️
I died. literally died. lump in my throat. knot in my stomach. one step closer.
if this is meant to be our baby, it will be ours. if not, ours will come soon.
meanwhile, as the hours pass by s l o w l y I’m pretty sure I have looked through our family book virtually (since I’m still on my trip) via IG and previous blog post about a billion times!
Monday, May 16th…
“birth mom chose another family.”
of course tears filled my eyes seeing those words. this part of the wait was over. the anxiety is gone, the knot in my stomach and lump in my throat are gone. I never allowed myself to get my hopes up high enough to have a far fallen crash down. I will tell you this… my faith is restored. I feel less discouraged already because we had this opportunity to present. it feels good feeling hopeful for our future.
definitely hugging my little buddy a little tighter tonight. can’t forget what’s right in front of me.