thursday, june 30th:
the news we heard on yesterday was not easy to digest. we were definitely grieving a loss. i had gone to bed wednesday night knowing & promising myself i was going to “put this to bed.” move forward. trust God.
this wasn’t our baby.
OR is it!?
after experiencing one of the roughest mornings in my motherhood, i wanted thursday to be over before it had begun. we had gone to bed the night before to thunder & lightening (VERY rare in AZ) so i was hoping for a nice fresh (literally) start. not. so. much. mom. michael woke up feeling very ill so he was knocked out on the couch. i had a headache with nausea & dealing with an ornery toddler. maybe a crash of weeks of emotions built up with wait + anticipation?? i dont know. i do know there were LOTS lots LOTS of tears from myself & beckett. luckily sweet beckett finally cried himself to sleep in my arms (also another VERY very RARE occurrence) and ended up snoozing for 2 hours in our bed.
our tears + our frustrations + our sleepiness were in sync;
now our deep breaths + calmness + heartbeats are in sync.
i grab my phone & feel it vibrate in my hand immediately with an email notification. my heart didn’t skip a beat this time. i barely even noticed it happen. a huge difference from the past 3 weeks or even 2 months as i lived for email notifications from agencies, casey our consultant, or this lawyer regarding mama. my mind + body + soul recognized i needed a breather.
i casually open the email thinking its an “item shipping” reminder from stuff i have purchased on etsy (guilty!).
there it was.
from the lawyer.
no new wording; the same subject line as all our other emails. i look up at my husband (home on sick leave) and read it out loud.
“call me asap as i have further information regarding mama”
didn’t think twice. i hit the link with her #, threw it on speakerphone and reached her immediately.
“wow that was fast!” she said. (HA! haven’t you learned by now that i have been obsessively checking my emails ever since our first point of contact?!)
play it cool, kira. you are now responsible to adult.
of course for privacy of all parties i will not continue to disclose dialogue but i can tell you this….
she PICKED us! SHE. PICKED. US. she picked us!
she never questioned if she was going to parent or place. she was protecting herself. protecting her baby… (again this probably seems very confusing to you with missing pieces but i cannot go further). trust me. trust her. trust God. have faith.
she chose us!
so now, we meet mama! it will all be over the phone but we get to meet this brave woman & her supportive husband.
nothing is official but we are one step closer.
this is our baby.