upward + onward. 

ever since my mom died the day after the anniversaries, special holiday, meaningful dates, is always always hardest for me. my grief & loss counselor helped me identify that in therapy. that’s what today is. I’m grieving the day after a loss.


most of you don’t know, but we were expecting this baby any day + this baby was a little girl. mama “h” was due in 6 weeks when we first presented our family to her. once we (finally) heard she had chosen us we didn’t know if we’d get to meet her first or get the “in labor call” first.  we were that close.  since the due date was around the corner we had to prepare fast as we had already waited 3 weeks to hear her decision.  buying starter clothes & carseat definitely increased our excitement and something we would have held off on as time allowed.

“I think people don’t understand how much you already pictured that being your daughter. Or just having a daughter coming so soon and now it’s all back to square one.”

when another child is growing inside of someone else you worry about attachment + bonding from the get-go. so, you open your heart to each situation.  you spend all your energy praying into this child. envisioning this baby in your life. where she will sleep. what she will need. if this is our baby, you want to be on top of everything.

be ready to welcome it in your arms + your heart + your home.


last night i had my first dream of a newborn baby since starting the adoption process.  it was so vivid.  her face was clear as day with large round eyes + dark straight hair (lots of dark hair) + olive complexion + thick red lips.  i am going to hold on to this dream.  pray on her.  be patient for her.

maybe what i saw & can describe is our baby.
but for now, all the stuff we laid out for her for our long potential travel to get her is put away.  everything has its place for when she is ready because we are ready for her.

my heart is tired.

be brave.


2 thoughts on “upward + onward. 

  1. Your feelings seem to somewhat echo those of having a miscarriage. You’re grieving the loss of a future that could have been and it’s painful. I liked this quote “be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you”. Allowing yourself to be truly affected by things hurts and it is scary but feeling it ALL is part of any mothers journey. I am thinking of you guys and sending prayers for peace of mind and heart 🙏🏻💛


  2. Hi-

    I am a friend of your husbands and his dad and have been reading your blog. I am so sad about the recent turn of events, and as a mother who struggled with pregnancies and loss, I am forever hopeful about your dream. We lost a pregnancy unexpectantly in the second trimester. During the night before the miscarriage, I had a dream that a young boy in a white suit came to me and told me that everything was going to be okay. Very soon after we had our son. It became clear after our son became a boy that he was the boy in my dream.

    Definitely not an easy time but I hope your dream gives you hope!


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