plan was for our case worker to meet her at 9 am on wednesday (ugh remember, wednesdays hate me!) so the clock started ticking. i couldn’t sleep at all tuesday night. i had paperwork on my mind, loose ends to take care of (we had bought size 1 diapers thinking we were prepared but she was drowning in newborn size), but mostly, was mama L going to sign? did she TRUST me? was she ready?
(remember, i am leaving out some details, some major & some small, but those are her details, not mine to share. so if this seems broken up, bare with me.)
6:00 am- WAKE UP!
7:00 am- triple check the needed paperwork for our 11:00 meeting at the agency.
8:47 am- shoot a text off to our case worker asking her to give mama L a big hug for me before starting the meeting.
8:50 am- pulled up to the bank to make a life changing money wire.
8:52 am- received a text with the words “done and done”. i immediately ask for clarification and she assured me she gave the hug…. and mama L had signed.
i imagined myself overjoyed. i imagined myself relieved. but actually, i was frozen. sat still in my car. eyes filled with tears but not yet running down my cheeks. chills over my entire body. i couldn’t move. i couldn’t even swallow. i starred at those words for a long time. i took a deep breath. i prayed for mama L. i thanked her again in my prayer for choosing life and placement for her daughter. for choosing love over herself. for putting bk’s needs ahead of her own desires. for picking us to be her daughters forever family.
mama L chose us.
mama L trusts us.
she is our baby.
once i finished my prayer, i sent off a text to michael with the news. then to my sister. then to my dad. then to my tribe. with each text i sent, i started to feel the excitement but still held onto a little bit of sorrow. to be honest, i don’t ever think the sadness will go away. i cannot imagine what it’s like to make the decision mama L made but she is strong. she is brave.
i headed home to grab michael & beckett & the stack of paperwork. it was time to go get our daughter.
we arrived at the agency a few minutes late ( i HATE being late). i ran to the bathroom before we got started and as i was walking out i was there to greet bk and nicole, the cradle caregiver, in the hallway. right then i was hit with joy. the joy of seeing my daughter in a totally different light then at her birth. it was like i saw her again for the very first time.
we walked in as a family of three and we walked out as a family of four.
welcome home, brooklyn kay.