A constant investigation.

I sit here and cannot move. my mind is going a million minutes. my heart is throbbing. my fingers won’t stop clicking and scrolling. having a semi-open adoption leaves me always wondering. always curious. knowing mama L is in our area to some extent always has my eyes wide open. searching. investigating.

this morning I was driving home and saw a women in one of the worse possible circumstances. my heart sank. that familiar lump back in my throat. my heart saddened. my knees weakened. I didn’t turn the car around this time, I didn’t want confirmation this time. I didn’t want to see the truth before my eyes. Some things are better left unknown.

Is ignorance bliss?

I continued to drive. I kept looking back at bk who was drifting off to slumberland. I kept replaying the meeting I had with Mama L in the hospital room. I remember her charm and it didn’t match the women I saw this morning. the twists and turns of someone life can benefit one but deteriorate another. I kept thanking her in my heart for choosing a different life for Brooklyn that she has for herself. I literally couldn’t stop thinking about her. that women. mama L.

as I was feeding Brooklyn before laying her down, I hopped on my phone to continue more investigating. something I haven’t done in awhile. I searched her name. saw nothing new. I hit the back button and there, new, different information I have never seen before. months of videos, pictures, affirmations, bible passages. all very uplifting, inspirational. that women I saw this morning, was NOT mama L and I have never been more relieved. she is everything opposite of what I saw this morning.

everyday I think about her. I wonder how she is living her life. I hear so many people who have open adoptions that are equally thankful for them as well as have their reservations. I always think if our openness is something that is beneficial or harder. is it different for me than my husband simply because I am adopted and I am always curious about my birth parents? I always think about what would be easier? healthiest? do those even ever match with one another? even when your daughter is placed in your arms, has your last name, you are still always thinking about the what if’s, the how come’s.

mama L, I am rooting for you. your daughter is rooting for you. I pray that you continue down the path you are on and keep yourself the main priority. because of you, your daughter is well loved and taken care of.

be brave.

 

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a sign.

Many people have asked if our adoption is open or they just assume it is because I document my updates to Mama L. Either is fine but I write to her as if I know her. as if she IS apart of our life… because her daughter is.

Today is International Women’s Day. I have seen so many posts regarding Girl Power, Unity, Rights and Strength of women and my first thought was a brave women; Mama L. Every time I think of her or write to her, I ask for a sign from God about her wellbeing. A few months ago that sign came from a Facebook post where she shared a picture of Brooklyn I sent her in an update (blogged in this post: A Hidden Emotion). Seeing that made me feel proud and it made me feel comforted. Don’t get me wrong it definitely caught me off guard but I was able to sit back and truly recognize and distinguish how it made me feel. Because today is International Women’s Day I wanted to post something to recognize the day and recognize the woman who blessed us with Brooklyn.

As I was driving home this morning from dropping my son off at school, I decided to take a different route than usual. I hit the light right when the left protected arrow turned red so I didn’t feel like waiting (yes, I can be pretty impatient). The whole way home I was trying to think of a way I could honor her without posting a picture of her (which I don’t have very many). I look over to my right and I see a women standing on the side of the street. My stomach dropped. I slowed down to get a better look and I immediately held my breath.

legs went numb.

thoughts flooded my brain.

It was her.

Mama L.

Standing right there. 3 duffle bags in tow. Waiting. Waiting for something. Waiting for someone.

I immediately turned around because I needed confirmation. Was this my sign I’ve prayed for?

She has some distinct features that one can recognize a mile away and I saw them or at least I thought I did or did I want to see them? As I was completing my double back, she climbed into a car and we drove separate directions.

I know that it was her.

I feel that it was her.

I asked for her.

I prayed for a sign from her.

Obviously I do not know the specifics of her life, where she was going, what she was doing… and I worry about her.

At that moment bk’s life flashed before my eyes- the birth, the first feeding, our first outing. I know how Brooklyn is doing, where she is, her happiness, her giggles, her cries, her needs… because of Mama L.

Because of her brave decision, I do not have to worry about Brooklyn and SHE doesn’t have to worry about her daughter either.

“a child born to another women calls me mommy. the magnitude of that tragedy & depth of that privilege are not lost on me.”

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be brave.

on our way to finalization.

we took a trip to the happiest place on earth as a family of four. we had no idea bk would be apart of this trip when originally planned. there was no question as to if we’d cancel the trip since adding her to our family. we had looked forward to this trip and thankfully we pushed forward. what an amazing trip we had!

while on the trip i knew a deadline was approaching. birth parents right severance. to be in the Happiest Place on Earth and to meet this milestone was…

confusing.

bittersweet.

for the past 60 days we had a weight on our shoulders. an elephant on our chest. a storm cloud hovering over our heads.

this wait was over. oct 25th 2016.

before i started writing this post, i had read the document with mama L signature giving up full rights and irrevocable complete control of bk. when i got the text after 72 hours that she had signed, it meant something to me, it hit me. when just now reading it on paper and seeing her signed initials, her actual signature…. it hit me again.

differently.

emotions like these surprise me.

the pain + the comfort + the relief + the sadness + the excitement.

the most specific detail that has caught me off guard is her handwriting. to me, hand script can say a lot about someone. it can reveal truths or insecurities. i always wondered how she signed her name. did she use her full name or just initials? was it in cursive? all caps or small print? flowy or chicken scratch? these types of details all exposed on these documents as we move forward with finalization. i felt confidence in her signature. it seemed bold yet heavy. still can’t imagine what was going through her mind while she signed these papers. makes me take long, deep breaths thinking about it.

handwriting is one thing i miss most about my own mom. i don’t have much that documented my mom’s beautiful, thin, long cursive and we don’t have much that documents mama L’s, but it’s something to show bk when she is ready bc mama L’s handwriting is beautiful, just like her.

this is also why it’s so important for me to take the time and hand write out bk’s monthly update for mama L. i want her to see my feelings through my writing. i want her to feel that brooklyn is loved. she is wanted. she was longed for. she is safe. she is happy. she is secure. she is flourishing. i want her to trust through my writings that her decision will forever be life altering.

finding peace as we move forward. embracing the unexpected emotions that keep surprising me.

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be brave.

 

when one door closes, another one opens.

today has been an off day from the beginning (is it wednesday!?). beckett woke up later than normal but grumpier than normal, gymboree was a struggle for him (even though my favorite toddler has been literally begging to go for a week). we get home from class and he immediately goes into his room, tells me “it’s time for nap. goodnight” as he is crawling into his bed (very rare for him to do this especially without a full belly). i kiss him goodnight & walk out of his room. shortly after, i quickly make my salad for lunch as i know i have a lot of things to get done on the computer during nap. i sit down to eat my luscious salad and the power goes out. then my phone starts making the HORRIBLE weather altering noise regarding an incoming dust storm. immediately following that big eye roll & sigh bc im scared all of that just woke up my cranky toddler, the doorbell rings which triggers dogs to bark (the sign on the door says PLEASE KNOCK ups guy!), and my cell starts ringing. literally, all. at. once. of course right?!

it was THE CALL.

this is our baby!

we have been chosen!

       a LOCAL mom wants us to welcome her baby into our family!

for a girl who is always in a rush cannot move a muscle. i am frozen.

this is not the time to freeze!

becauuuuuuse

not only did the case worker tell us we are matched BUT she told us that baby GIRL may be coming any day. mama “L” isn’t due till 9.11 but at her appointment today, she was showing signs of labor including contractions.

is God trusting us with another preemie?

maybe! 

i will ask you now to please pray. send positive energy. pray. cross fingers. pray.

pray for mama “L” & pray for our daughter! (Ah! our daughter!) pray for health + strength. i know from experience that the power of prayer works so please send us whatever you’ve got!

oh. and I never got to eat my salad bc dog got to it first. 

being brave.

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strung along.

last tuesday (yes, thankfully it wasn’t a wednesday), we got word that mama had chosen to meet with the other family. that wasn’t a “you aren’t the chosen family” and it wasn’t an official match. we were told that we were on the “back burner” per say had this meeting with the other family not go as anticipated. that left us with a lot of confusion. an open wound. did the expectant mom like both our families equally? was there apart of her still considering us? i know this decision is unimaginable but we did feel strung along. don’t get me wrong, the case worker absolutely gave us the opportunity to walk away at this point, regardless of the outcome of this meeting but how could we?! I know God won’t let us miss our baby BUT we cannot just walk away. not now. we need closure. we want closure.

so we waited.

we waited a couple of days and on thursday i got the phone call that mama was moving forward with the match with the other family.

this didn’t hurt as bad.

why?

i have spent the days since thinking about why this was the case. i loved, i mean loved, a lot of aspects of this story. i know i said i was feeling desensitized but is that really why this conclusion didn’t hurt? maybe hearing “no” is in fact getting easier to hear? after lots of thinking & reflecting, i know exactly why. the family that was chosen was what some agencies call a “failure family.” that means they have experienced a failed adoption. for whatever reason, this family did not get their baby and were financially tied to this agency to keep praying for their baby. I know what it feels like to have a failed match but not a failed adoption. this expectant mama is going to give them their baby. i am so hopeful that they will not experience another failed adoption as i can’t image the heartbreak. a “no” to us, means a “yes” to this family and that’s what i need to move forward from this situation.

that is our closure.

be brave.

 

desensitized. 

 

waiting to wait.

the wait is on again. we have presented to another expectant mama. again our criteria shifted a little. this one came with long, honest discussions between a husband & wife. a tired, dissatsifed husband & wife. we are shifting our thoughts in this process. gravitating to excitement + happiness + hopefulness.

we are on the same team.

profile was supposed to be presented wednesday, which quickly turned to thursday.  touched base today and bam withholding to present till tuesday.  i had to ask our consultant casey, is this normal?  to have so many glitches every time we present?  we have discovered that there are a lot of cracks in the adoption process and unfortunately they are unveiling themselves every situation we get. she reassures me this is normal. 

in case you don’t know, i love to communicate. i love details.  i love to be informed.  i love to learn.  i love to know.  the case worker that we are currently working with is

A W E S O M E.

i have reached out to her multiple times with hesitation and she welcomes me to touch base & ask questions.  this is a new part of the process that i really enjoy.  it definitely makes the wait to wait aspect more manageable.

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while we wait to wait…. again… i feel desensitized.  i feel it harder + harder to give my whole heart yet it’s almost even harder to withdraw + holding back emotionally. so for now, i feel desensitized.

again, i say this now.

I’ll be broken again if we hear another “no”.

temporarily broken.

fixable.

healable.

no way around it right? even if I put on my cool shades 😎

short n sweet.  these are my thoughts.  my feelings for now.  the wait to wait.

be brave.

 

i’ll find strength in the sadness.

I never had intention to write about each time we presented but it’s happening naturally. when all said & done, this is OUR journey.

during the week of waiting, i dreamt a vivid dream again. this time it was with mama “k”. we were talking on the phone. she was interviewing me. she asked me about my interests & daily life as a stay at home mom. telling me her hopes for this babe. the phone connection was broken so I was straining to hear her every last word (which is probably why I woke up with a stiff neck). I remember the feeling of being able to put her voice to her picture- it fit like a puzzle.

today we got the news:

“birth mom did not choose to move forward with your family.”

maybe our hearts are being prepared for the one through these trials… no matter what those words never get easier to hear.

i can’t help but to think:

“when is my luck going to turn around?”

“when are we going to catch a break?”

“at what point are we going to prove that we are strong & faithful.”

I am ready for the trials & tribulations to turn into a family of 4 full of life + love + strength + security.

I want to put my guard up.  i want to not get so invested.  i want to be able to roll with the punches.  i don’t want this to consume me.

thank YOU for all the outpour of prayers you are sending; the love + support you guys give are very encouraging & inspiring.

thank you.

be brave. 🏹